And opening fire the day before an American public holiday, so that their government buildings will be empty should anyone feel like retaliating, is extremely reassuring for people who live in other countries. God bless America, as the man says.

"Finally, it becomes my turn. It seems I have waited for an eternity. I take my sheaf of papers, clip them to the clipboard, and sit. I stare in awe at the form. Two hundred sheets, in the tiniest of print."

"The yellowing plexiglass covering the Chair is too wet to see through so after I've pushed my address card in I read the paper. It's the usual. Economic concerns. The price of brass is rising. The London Chair Authority are agitating for more pay, but to be honest the system could carry on indefinitely without them. The rails are iron and will last for decades yet, the Chairs just as solid."

But a red-and-green film would be much better, in terms of result. A hundred people streaming out into a cinema foyer; some crying, some laughing, and all of them incapable of conventional discussion - sheer probability decreeing that none of them had watched exactly the same story unfold.

Which is completely pointless, but now I see potential for clever-trousers arthouse nonsense. Two films, one soundtrack. Random foreign dialogue, captioned differently in each colour, with only intonation or sound effect cutting across both. White-on-black caption screens to give the audience the option of changing their glasses. If you want the happy ending, put your red pair on now.